I woke up this morning.
This may not, in fact, sound like much of a surprise. I am obviously not in a coma, so technically speaking I wake up every morning. However, to give you some idea of what I mean, let me detail how I woke up yesterday.
Yesterday, after drifting in and out of consciousness for at least an hour, my eyes were fully open by 9:00 a.m. I lay in bed, flipping through my phone. I have to-do lists, both on my phone and on paper beside my bed, but it didn’t occur to me to read either of them. I had a vague memory of a few things I wanted to get done, but wasn’t alert enough to seriously consider any of them. At some point, I remembered to take my morning meds.
At 10:30, I made my way to the bathroom, then downstairs, where I wandered around aimlessly for perhaps 1/2 an hour trying to think of something I felt like eating. I failed to find inspiration, and settled on a cup of coffee and a bowl of granola, which I took with me to the couch. I curled up, ate, and continued to play idly on my phone. I play crosswords and puzzles in the morning, in the hopes of kickstarting my brain. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. Usually coffee helps, but not always. Yesterday was one of the “not” days. Plus, I ached all over.
It wasn’t until noon that I began even considering doing anything else. By the time it occurred to me to do laundry, it was nearly time for me to start getting ready for work. But I began having one of my drowsy episodes, and so took a micro-nap on the couch before finally throwing on some clean clothes (oh yes, I was in my bathrobe all this time) and stuffing my messy hair under a hat on my way out the door. A lot of my days start more or less like this.
Today, I also opened my eyes at 9:00. I was chilly, so I stayed under the covers and played on my phone for 30 min. Then I popped out of bed, took my meds, went downstairs, and immediately heated up some leftovers for breakfast while mentally going over the things I’d like to accomplish today. I ate and had coffee quickly, got some laundry started, and refilled fluids in the car. And now I’m even writing. It’s hard to explain just how amazing today feels.
Update posted about 6 hours later:
Continuing from this morning. By early afternoon, “having energy” becomes recognizable as hypomania — a lower-intensity version of the mania classic of bipolar disorder. As if I’ve had too much coffee, my enthusiasm rises, but my attention span and short-term memory shrink away. I’m doing too many things at once, buzzing between tasks like a hummingbird. I’m erratic but effective. I’m torn between happiness at how much I’m accomplishing and despair at how much more there is to do — I’m suddenly remembering so much! If only I could have a day like this once a week! Anxiety creeps in, and my heart feels like it’s racing. I can’t keep any single thought in my head. Tasks become a race against time as I dread the inevitable crash. My focus shrinks to details and it becomes harder to see the bigger picture, harder to prioritize.
It’s 4 now. I’ve accomplished more housework today than in the entire last month. It barely made a dent in what needs doing. But I’m starting to wind down. Not a crash, not yet, but a definite slowing. I hate this part. I’ve run 8 loads of laundry but only folded 3 so far. My mind feels distant and blurry, and things have stopped popping up in my awareness. I’m running down like clockwork, and I hate it. Did I say that already?
I don’t have a good closing sentence.
#chronicfatigue #chronicillness #bipolar #disabilitylife #disability