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Normalization versus Normal Life

July 30, 2014 3 comments

So, the term “normalization” is something of a dirty word in disability rights circles, and especially in the autistic community. It generally refers to making a child put a lot of effort into trying to look, act, or speak in a more typical way for the purpose of making everyone else more comfortable around the disabled person. Proponents will tell you that, the more a child can “act normal” and “fit in,” the better they’ll get along with peers, the more education and career opportunities they will have, etc..

There is, of course, some truth to this: being able to “pass” for “odd” or “quirky” instead of “disabled” or “autistic” can have a lot of advantages, especially as an adult– from not having your doctor talk to you as though you were a child to being taken more seriously in the workplace. It won’t actually make you more friends, though, at least not real friends. And the cost to one’s self-esteem can be unbearable (if you can stand reading an emotionally devastating example of this, I highly recommend http://timetolisten.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-cost-of-indistinguishability-is.html).

But there’s another kind of normalization that’s important, and that involves others treating a disabled child like a normal person. This has to be done carefully, because of course you have to take someone’s needs and accommodations and abilities into account. But beyond that– too many people treat disabled children as though they are inherently fragile, or inherently tragic, or angelic, or younger than their age. Too many people seem to think that a disabled person can’t joke around, or use rude language, or have a bad hair day, or have questions about sex, or want to go to the mall with her friends, or even be shallow sometimes.

So I’m working on treating my clients like members of their age group. It doesn’t matter if a girl still wears a diaper at age 10: I can still compliment her hair and talk to her about fashion and current movies. Even if someone verbalizes at a two-year-old level and has only started using the toilet in the past year, if he’s over age 5, I’m going to make a point of saying that he’s going to the toilet or the bathroom, not the “potty.” I used to try and equalize us the other way around– saying things like “I need to go to the potty” about myself, and I still do this with younger children (as I suspect most parents do). But with older ones, I think it’s a form of respect to avoid using baby language, to take their preferences seriously, let them make choices whenever possible (even when it’s much quicker and easier to do it myself), and acknowledge that they are sometimes uncomfortable with the level of assistance they need. It’s hard to remember that a teenager who shows no shyness about my bathing her may still not want me to hold her hand in public. That someone who can’t lift his head without help still wants to be alone sometimes and have a feeling of privacy.

I suspect, from my observation of many parents, that it’s hard enough to learn this when bringing up a typical child. Loving parents hover, and embarrass their kids a lot with various forms of overprotectiveness and intrusion. How can you not have this habit after years of a child being dependent on you for absolutely everything? But a typically developing child will start to say things like “Aw, Mom, don’t cut my food for me. I’m not a baby anymore!” or “Aaaaahhh! Don’t come into my room without knocking!” And parents, slowly, get the message.

Kids who can’t speak may start throwing tantrums when they feel like too much is being done for them, may become deeply resentful of unneeded help and so have difficulty even accepting (emotionally) the help they do need. Or, if others keep treating them like young children, they may continue acting that young, being passive about things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves and not bothering to try expanding their skills. They may decide that it’s not worth the effort to assert themselves if those efforts aren’t taken seriously.

They need the chance, as all children do, to attempt things that are beyond them, to experience struggle and failure in order to build tenacity and self-confidence. They need to be respected by others in order to learn to respect themselves. They need to be treated as though others expect them to become responsible adults, or they will never push themselves towards that goal with the belief that they can achieve it. It’s a fine line for caregivers to walk. Inherently, children with disabilities have to work a lot harder than their peers, and they are all-too-often made to work hard at the wrong things (like trying to learn to “socialize normally”). So I’m generally not a fan of heaping even more work on them. But they do need, above all else, the kind of challenges that help us to grow as human beings– challenges to our judgment, our sense of morals, our courage, our level of independence. You can be equal to these challenges without being able to move a muscle, without being able to speak a word. But only if you are given the chance.

Children with disabilities deserve, as much as possible, a normal life. Most of the kids I work with will never look, sound, or act “normal.” But whether or not they get the opportunity to feel “normal” depends entirely on the actions of those around them.

Coping with Awkwardness: Sexual Play in Children

Anyone who thinks that children have no sense of sexuality (of some sort) hasn’t spent much time around children. As any parent discovers pretty quickly, children are curious about their own bodies, other people’s bodies, and the peculiarly appealing secrecy and sensitivity of their genitals.

Typical children learn, at a fairly early age, to keep their private parts more or less private. Children with developmental disabilties often take much longer to learn this– for several reasons, and not just because they take longer to learn a lot of things.

One reason is that they don’t get the same social cues about embarrassment (from other children) that typically developing kids do. There’s an age-range at which typical children obssess intently about potty talk and related topics, learn the rules about keeping certain things private, and then make a very big deal when other children break those rules, thus enforcing a certain behavioral code among their peers.  Children with disabilities are often not exposed to this kind of peer group, and may not even get any verbal input from others their own age, and may observe less consistent behavior among the peer group they are in (such as a special education classroom). Lastly, children with disabilties often have a diminished sense of privacy because they need help with personal care (such as bathing and toileting or diaper changing) for much longer than other children, and have to accept this help from a wider variety of people– parents, teachers, therapists, babysitters, and so on.

As a result, one thing I deal with quite often is the issue of children touching their genitals while I am caring for them. Children “play with themselves” in the bath, stick their hands down their pants, and so on. Sometimes the actions are definitely voluntary, sometimes less so. Male children get erections regularly, especially in the bath.

The question for me is how to react in these situations. On the one hand, a certain amount of sexual play is normal and healthy. I don’t want to discourage it or shame children for it– especially, I don’t want to make children feel embarrassed about the fact that I have to see their private parts at times, since this isn’t optional.  And I don’t want to teach children that their genitals are dirty or naughty or wrong.

On the other hand, it would not be at all appropriate for me to actively encourage or condone sexual activity of any kind… That would be a form of sexual abuse, because in some way I feel I would be participating in the activity, if only by acknowledging it openly.  Some of my clients are at the age where I feel it’s important for them to get some level of sex education, but it’s not my place to give that education unless the parent requests it specifically (maybe not even then– and certainly not without another adult present).

The main thing is that I feel sexual exploration should occur in private… but when do these children have privacy? Most typical children experiment with their genitals in the bath and/or in bed. But the children I work with are bathed by adults. Even the most independent of them generally have me in the same room while they bathe and use the toilet. At night, not all of them sleep alone, and many wear diapers to bed, which I suspect limit self-exploration.

So, my approach is to generally pretend I don’t notice. If the child is in the bath, I will simply look away if they seem interested in exploring their body. I do not wash them or touch them any more than necessary for their safety while they are having an erection or touching their genitals.

If we are in public, I will generally try to intervene as subtly as possible.

(The issue of crotch-grabbing is further confused by the fact that it’s often a sign that a child needs to use the toilet. If I see a child put their hand between their legs, my first response is generally to suggest a potty break.)

For some children, I feel that it is appropriate to offer a quiet, verbal reminder in a neutral (nonjudgmental) tone of voice, such as “Remember, it’s not appropriate to put your hands into your pants in public.”  Some kids undress in public as well (or even have clothing fall off!) and then, too, I might say something about keeping private parts covered. A lot of the older kids, at least, know the rules of bodily propriety intellectually, and I don’t want to embarrass them by calling excess attention to what they are doing– which they may be doing absentmindedly, or having forgotten that other people are around, or simply through failure to control their own actions (autistic people, in particular, often express experiencing a wide disconnect between what they intend to do and the actions they find their bodies taking).

Mostly, though, the best trick is to notice when hands are headed in the wrong direction and gently brush them away from going further, or give them something else to do (ask the child to clap or hi-five, hand them something, etc.– without ever mentioning that there was something else you DIDN’T want them doing). Called “redirecting,” this last tactic is also very helpful for helping people break habits (semi-automated activities) like biting their nails or pulling out their hair– you catch them before they are even entirely aware of what they are doing, and get them to do something else instead, and eventually their motor pathways get rewritten. It’s far more effective than drawing someone’s attention to something and telling them NOT to do it– like pointing out that someone shouldn’t scratch an itch, focusing attention on a forbidden action can make someone feel more compelled to do it! (This is, by the way, why nagging is such a terribly ineffective technique).

I think the success of any of these techniques depends on my own ability not to be (or at least not to act) embarrassed. I’m by no means perfect at this, but I’ve made a lot of progress. I think that so many of the mixed feelings many children get about privacy, sexuality, and especially masturbation, stem from their own parents’ discomfort with having to address these topics. Fortunately, regular childcare tends to cure you of two things: the ability to be grossed out easily, and the ability to be easily embarrassed!

One thing I have not dealt with yet (to my knowledge!) is the issue of any of my clients developing a crush on me. I’m open to suggestions on what to do if that situation ever occurs!!

Appreciating my job

October 13, 2013 Leave a comment

I wish I had the time and brain-focus to write about every single time I take care of “my” kiddos. It’s a wonderful experience and I get so much from them. Sadly, I’ve been realizing just how temporary a pleasure it is. Not only do children grow up so quickly, but this job isn’t exactly permanent– for me or for the families I work with. Fishy’s family has been so busy I haven’t seen them in months, and Tangles’ family moved out of the city a month ago. I haven’t had a chance to see her since, although her mom and I remain in touch and apparently she’s doing very well at her new school. I miss them both terribly, though, along with Plumpkin, an actual baby I’ve been babysitting lately, whose family has also just moved.

My most fun lately has been spending time with Rhythm. I generally care for him in the late afternoon and evening, and it’s often after a frantic day. When I’m worn out from far too much verbal input (i.e. conversation) for my comfort, drama, and/or chasing a toddler around, it’s wonderful to be able to relax with someone who just wants to sit quietly doing soothing repetitive activities. I’ve begun to feel like babysitting him is downright therapeutic for me! Even on our most stressful days, he’s such a great kid that I always leave his house with a smile.

I love the way Rhythm says “oh yeah” for “yes,” and sometimes runs several of them together when he’s excited: “ohyeahohyeah!” — with wide eyes and eyebrows up, like he just got a pleasant surprise. I love the way he nods “yes,” too, pulling his chin up with an inhalation, then bringing it down to his chest sharply, decisively, as he breathes out, as if he’s just made a very important decision. He loves to laugh, but can also be charmingly sincere and almost majestic at times, like a little prince addressing his subjects. I love the way he solemnly offers to share his food with me, holding a bite out to me earnestly and waiting for me to either accept it or say “no thank you.” I love his ways of showing affection, like taking my arm and placing it around his shoulders as we sit together on the porch swing.

He’s a real joy to be around. I hope that he will always have people in his life who appreciate him as much as I do. Fortunately, this seems to be the case. His family adores him, and at every party they’ve thrown, I’ve seen how much their friends are fond of him as well. The other kids welcome him even when they don’t understand him, and he’ll wander in and out of their activities without anyone remarking on the strangeness of his behavior.  I wish every autistic child could be so lucky. And I count myself lucky to know him.

What Should a 4 Year Old Know?

This really resonates with my philosophy of care for all children.

A Magical Childhood

What should a 4 year old know?

It’s back to school time and children all over are starting preschool.  Many parents are frantically searching the internet to find out if their little ones are “on track” and know everything they should.

I wrote this article about what a four-year-old should know many years ago but it continues to be the most popular page on the Magical Childhood site.  I don’t think a week has passed in the past eight or so years when I have not received a letter from a parent, grandparent or teacher about it.  Parents and principals especially have said they wish more parents realized these things.

So in honor of the new school year, I’m posting it here…

What should a 4 year old know?

I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her 4 1/2 year old did not know enough…

View original post 1,194 more words

In Which I Am Profoundly Grateful

I want to take a moment here to talk about how much I love my current job. Often, people often see me doing childcare and ask me how many children I have at home, or how many I plan to have, and it gives me a moment of wistfulness.

The truth is, I don’t plan to have children of my own, ever. For all my skill with them, my health would not permit me to care for one 24/7. I only agree to watch children overnight in absolute emergencies, given how badly my body responds to having its sleep schedule disrupted (by which I mean I’m liable to be physically ill for days, if not weeks, afterward.)

Before you think to pity me too much, I’ve never really wanted to be a parent. I like having a lot of time to myself and keeping my schedule flexible. The idea of pregnancy has simply never appealed to me at all– in fact, it sounds very unpleasant. I worry about the strong genetic component to my own health issues (as a general rule, I don’t believe that disabilities are a negative thing to live with, but I’m willing to consider mental illness and chronic pain as exceptions). And I’m pretty well convinced that the last thing this planet needs right now is more human beings. I have occasionally considered adopting or fostering children, but unless my circumstances (especially my health) change dramatically, it’s an idle thought at best.

So: no munchkins for me. Which means I hugely appreciate the opportunity to spend time with children who aren’t mine. There is something ineffably wonderful about having the affection and trust of a child. I am so lucky that, at this point in my life, I’m in a position where I can afford to work in childcare for a year or so while I prepare for graduate school (and believe me, babysitting doesn’t come close to paying my bills). Even when I am exhausted, annoyed, or grossed out, I cherish getting to care for these young treasures.

Here are things that warm my heart:

… Today I got to soothe my baby-cravings with a cheerful, chubby, charming 9-month-old girl (I call her Plumpkin), who cooed and gurgled at me, tried to chew my fingers with her one-and-a-half little teeth, spat up all over both of us, and utterly melted my heart discovering the joys of playing with a paper bag….

… The other toddler, who will wake from his nap scrunchy-faced and wild-haired, and put up his little arms to me, clinging to me when I lift him, still smelling of sleep and babyness… or when he’s scared in a new situation, he turns wide eyes to me, fists bunched up in my shirt, waiting for me to reassure him that he’s safe…

… I haven’t seen 4-year-old Fishy in a few months, and I miss the way he leans his head against my chest while I read him stories, and the way he shrieks with joy when I spin around with him in my arms…

… I think of 7-year-old Rhythm, tugging at me to boost him up so he can see better, or clutching my hand as he walks along a narrow ledge, trusting that I won’t let him fall. His family recently threw a party, and one of the guests, a girl of perhaps 9, said to me as she watched us, “wow, he REALLY likes you.” I answered “well, we have a lot of fun together,” but I was honestly floored by her observation. I knew Rhythm had gotten comfortable with me, but I didn’t realize I had gone from barely-tolerated-babysitter to someone he liked so much that a friend of his would comment on it…

… And I remember Tangles, a beautiful 10-year-old with so few communication skills, staring at me intently as we sat together on the couch, then leaning over suddenly to press her lips to my cheek, to my flattered amazement…

I am so, so lucky to have these wonderful children in my life. When I tell people that I work with disabled children, often their first instinct is a sort of mixture of pity and being impressed. “Isn’t that so HARD?” they say. And I’m torn between laughter at how wrong they are and sadness at their misunderstanding.

“No,” I tell them, “it isn’t hard at all. The children I work with are incredible, every one of them. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.”

Education, Control, and Abuse

August 7, 2013 1 comment

My apologies for the length of this post.

***

How do we teach children what they need to know in life? What do they need to know?

They need, at some point, some measure of self-control: the ability to delay gratification, to think before acting, to modify aggressive instincts, to consider the well-being and desires of others, and to endure things that are boring or yucky or uncomfortable, from sitting through class to going to the dentist.

Observe the average 18-30 month-old child, and you will see what people are like without this control. Toddlers are 90% “id” — desire unmodified by conscience or inhibition. They grab what they want, become violent toward anyone they disagree with, and refuse to cooperate with anything they dislike. You can’t function in society this way. (Well, you can, but you have to already have a lot of money and/or political clout, and you certainly won’t have many friends).

At the other end of the spectrum is the person who has been trained to completely sublimate their own will. As a society, we consider this more acceptable, even necessary at times. Anyone who joins the military steps into this role– choosing to follow another’s orders above all else. But that is an adult’s choice to make, with adult reasons for doing so. There’s a reason why you have to be 18 to enlist. Brainwashing children to do nothing more than follow orders is abuse.

***

Finding the middle ground is hard, even with typically developing children. Cultures and experts disagree about when and how to discipline children, and about what level of self-control they should be expected to have at what age (either physical, such as toilet training, or psychological, such as not talking out of turn).

Ideally, I think the modern-day parent imagines explaining every rule and its reason clearly, and the child responding “Oh, that makes sense” and following the rules from then on. But anyone who has spent any time caring for a child knows that this very rarely occurs. Inevitably, one is faced with a child who has preferences that are incompatible with their own well-being (e.g., refuses to eat healthy foods), the well-being of others (e.g., refuses to share), or the general necessity of a given situation (e.g., won’t follow classroom policies, won’t get in the car when it’s time to go, etc. etc. etc.).

We want, at least in this day and age, for our children to have minds of their own. But we also want them to comply with the majority of our wishes. Somehow, we have to find a balance.

***

When your child does something wrong, do you slap them? Yell at them? Reprove them gently? Order a time-out? Restrain them physically? Options get more complex as children get older. They can be sent to the school principal, grounded, given detention, required to apologize or otherwise make reparations, assigned more responsibilities, stripped of privileges, guilt-tripped, spanked, publicly humiliated, and so on. And although many parents insist they know exactly how to fix their children’s misbehavior, I won’t believe that until I meet a child who behaves perfectly… and then I’ll just think I’ve run across some sort of “Stepford Wives” style of mind control.

The science of behavioral psychology can help. We’ve demonstrated, for example, that children mimic what they see and hear. The injunction “do as I say, not as I do,” is probably the most useless phrase ever used in child-rearing. So if we want nice children, we should be nice people. But we also know (perhaps more anecdotally) that doormat parents bring up children who walk all over them (and everyone else). Being nice doesn’t do the job alone; you need structure and rules.

We know that rewarding desired behavior works better, on the whole, than punishing unwanted behavior. If kids hear “no” constantly, they start to tune it out, unless you manage to break their will completely. But punishment has its place too– if you ignore your child punching other children to get their toys, that behavior is not going to just go away on its own. Unless the other kids beat up your kid and they learns their lesson that way. Letting your child learn from the consequences of their mistakes is a good strategy in some cases, but not in all. You don’t just let your kid jump off the roof to find out that they’ll break a leg.

***

I think we can all agree that, at some point, too much or too severe discipline becomes abuse. We know that abuse does not have to involve physical harm, just as mockery and the silent treatment are genuine forms of bullying. But we can’t seem to agree on how to bring up good kids (any more than we can agree on what to do with adults who break the rules).

It’s even harder to know how and when to discipline children with developmental disabilities. It would be abusive to teach them nothing, and just let them do whatever they feel like all the time. Every person deserves the opportunity to work hard and improve themself; this is something human dignity demands of us. Every person deserves to be taught to be as independent as possible (note: independence is not self-sufficiency. Being able to decide what food will be placed in your mouth by an aide is as much an act of independence as being able to feed yourself). And every person deserves the opportunity to interact with others, to be a part of society.

It is on this last point, I think, where we get a lot of the disagreements between the disability community and certain parents and therapists of disabled children, particularly those on the autism spectrum. These parents and professionals assume that, in order to have good opportunities in life (social, educational, career), the disabled child must be taught to hide as many markers of their disability as possible.

Now, it is true that societies are largely unaccepting of those who break social rules and mores. So rigorous programs are put in place to teach autistic children everything from “keep your pants on in public” to “say please and thank you” to “don’t drool” to “don’t stim” to “make eye contact.”

And somewhere in there, well-meant intervention becomes abuse. It becomes “Quiet Hands” and pathologized childhoods. It gives the messages, however unintentionally, “don’t be who you are” and “you do everything wrong.” It results in teens and adults who are depressed and self-hating and feel guilty for their every instinct, habit and preference. People who don’t know that they have the right to say “no” even when someone is doing something terrible to them. Their whole lives have been a constant litany of others telling them what to do, how to act, what constitutes friendliness, when to smile– how can they trust themselves, or even know their own mind, after all that?

***

But how do we determine which things are worth teaching? I counsel parents to forget about their child looking or acting “normal” and focus on them developing self-determination skills, but somewhere in there, kids DO have to learn to keep their pants on in public or they won’t be allowed to go to school. Or someone will call CPS and claim that letting children run around without pants is a form of sexual abuse, because nudity is such a serious taboo in our culture.

It’s important, as I’ve written before, for children to be able and allowed to say “no” at times.  Two of the most important stages toddlers go through are “no” and “why?” Saying “no” asserts a sense of selfhood, the understanding that it is possible to have one’s own preferences and to control aspects of reality by expressing those preferences.

“Why?” occurs when children contrast their newfound independence with the fact that they cannot always control what happens to them. I believe that the question “why is the sky blue?” is not just idle curiosity, it is shorthand for “help me understand why I cannot make the sky be any other color.”

When children with developmental disabilities refuse to keep their pants on, we need to ask why. Perhaps they are reaching the “no” stage later… or the “why” stage. Because these children often can’t verbally ask “why,” no one thinks to offer them explanations, and their questions about the world go unanswered. Taking off the pants may be a way to ask “why do we have to wear pants?”

Or it may be a protest, to something related (maybe the child wishes to be toilet trained) or unrelated (the parent refused something the child wanted, so the child refuses something the parent wants). Often, parents of a disabled child assume that the child either fails to understand the rule “pants on in public” or is simply being obstinate. But it’s very important to establish what’s actually going on.

Chances are, the kid understands the rule—most developmentally delayed children understand more than is immediately obvious. Is the child then objecting to pants for the sake of objecting, or because there’s a sensory sensitivity issue? The first may call for some form of discipline; the second for finding a different kind of pants.

There are those in disability rights circles who think we should also take this as an opportunity to challenge the very concept of pants and view them as a source of oppression. I don’t disagree on principle (why should anyone be forced to wear pants anyway?), but change is slow. For now, if you want to go out in public, you have to wear pants of some kind. Or perhaps leggings or shorts or a skirt. If there is a battle of wills between parent and child, offering choices may allow the child to feel heard and result in cooperation.

There are hard choices involved in teaching and disciplining a child with certain disabilities. How do you help a child develop independence and self-confidence when the majority of things they do are “wrong,” even dangerous? How do you ensure that they have time to just be themselves while also making sure you provide them with enough training that they will be given as many social and educational opportunities as possible?

***

The beautiful girl I call Tangles provides a good illustration of this point. Tangles is 10, with diagnoses of global developmental delay, profound mental retardation, ataxic cerebral palsy, and possible autism. Her mother and I agree that she’s smarter than most people think, but so far she’s got very limited ways of expressing it.

She’s very friendly, and likes to approach people and animals and touch them. The problem is her ataxia, which means she has trouble controlling or stopping a motion once she initiates it. The result is that when she reaches out to get someone’s attention, she doesn’t touch them; she hits them. And she’s pretty strong for a 10 year old girl. Her attempts at “hello” are sometimes rough enough to make me wince.

Her family is used to it. Her mother corrects “gentle, please,” and “careful, honey” again and again. When I’m at the playground with Tangles and her younger sister Curls, Curls apologizes on Tangles’ behalf: “she doesn’t mean to,” and “she doesn’t understand what she’s doing,” and the kids they play with regularly seem to have simply gotten used to being smacked on occasion.

But this isn’t a sustainable solution. Tangles is getting bigger and stronger. If she hurts someone badly by accident, or even gets past the age where adults are comfortable shrugging her actions off, I worry that she’ll end up being restrained or sedated regularly. I can’t bear the thought of seeing that happen to this vibrant and loving girl. So somehow, for her own sake, she has to learn not to hit.

I suspect most behavioral therapists would train her simply to keep her hands down, to not touch others at all… but that would be punishing her for reaching out and trying to interact. What a heartbreaking notion.  What if it kept her from wanting to socialize at all? I can’t help feeling there must be another way.

I often remind her (usually right after she’s managed to thwap some poor startled person before I could grab her) that it’s not OK to touch strangers who aren’t expecting it, to touch little babies, to touch people without their permission. I don’t know how well she understands. I remind her to reach for people’s bodies rather than their faces. We work on “gentle touching,” having her stroke her hand along my arm rather than striking out in a slapping motion. But I think often she simply acts on impulse, forgetting to follow the rules that she does know intellectually.

The other night she hit Curls in the eye. Curls usually responds to her sister’s slaps with a mild scolding, and occasionally hitting back, so when she starting sobbing, I knew Tangles had managed to hurt her worse than usual.

“No! Don’t hit! Not in the face!” I reminded her. She was already wandering off as I continued exhorting her to try and be more gentle, and a casual observer would think she didn’t notice, let alone care, that her sister was crying. Her face was serene, and she continued with her normal activities.

But then I heard her saying “oh-oh” (her version of “uh-oh”), which is something she says when she’s upset, and I knew she understood what was going on and was bothered by it. She’s still officially “non-verbal,” and it’s relatively rare for her to actually try and say something, so I knew this was a big deal to her, too.

“Oh honey, I know you didn’t mean to hurt her,” I told her and gave her a hug. Then I went back to comforting Curls and applying an ice-pack to her face… but my deeper sympathies were with Tangles, who doesn’t even have a way to tell her sister that she is sorry.

How many things, I wonder, does she feel bad about without us knowing? How much does it hurt when we scold her over and over for something she doesn’t mean to do in the first place? Does it hurt her to hear people say that she doesn’t know any better, when obviously, she does know and is trying to improve? How do we teach her all the things she needs to know without convincing her that she is a broken human being in need of constant fixing? How do we support her desire to interact with the world while trying to change the way she does it? I can only hope we’re on the right track.

On a quick, light note

The Baby Monster (a typically-developing toddler I babysit) has learned a new skill– saying “hi.” He says “hi” to just about everyone he passes now– one of the few recognizable words he uses around anyone other than his mother (he still pretty much babbles around me– a fair range of sounds, but no direct attempts at verbal communication). Unfortunately, he has also learned that doing so is just about the cutest thing ever, and when combined with a shy smile, it makes a truly lethal cuteness weapon.

I discovered his awareness of this fact recently, when he did one of the few things I will actually scold him for (such as grabbing for my eyeglasses or throwing food on the floor– breaking rules that I know he knows). Usually, I simply correct what he does wrong, like grabbing for something unsafe or trying to dismantle everything within reach, because I know he doesn’t know any better yet. But this time, I knew he was actively misbehaving, and I yelled at him. His response? Big eyes looking up at me, the most winning smile I’ve ever seen, and a quiet… “hi.” It was all I could do to keep a glare on my face and tell him that being a manipulative little terror won’t work on nanny. Seriously, it was ridiculously cute. I felt like I had superpowers just for being able to resist it.

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